


My Hands Are Tied

by Jibootee



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Also graphic language! Plenty of graphic language, I've been in a mood lately, M/M, Mental Instability, Shoot me in the foot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 02:24:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10957713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jibootee/pseuds/Jibootee
Summary: Sehun is haunted by the past.





	My Hands Are Tied

**Author's Note:**

> This had been sitting unfinished in my files for so long. I was obviously in a bad headspace when I came up with this but I'm glad it's done.

 

_What’s up with my heart when it skips a beat_

 

The sound of laughter from the street was enough to make Sehun sick. He clutched his blankets tighter around him, eyes pricking harshly. Banter of the people below tugged at his chest and forced a pathetic sob from it's depths. Jongdae had insisted that living above the café would be good for him, providing him an easy way to integrate into society. Sehun didn’t bother to tell him that he didn’t care about meeting new people, or old people, or anyone for that matter. Hearing the happy voices milling around below him only made him feel lonelier than ever. Everything was a sharp reminder of his old life, of the things he’d lost. Even the curtains lifting in the warm breeze made him anxious, angry almost. They were wrong. They let in too much light, even when closed, and their obnoxious yellow color only sent his mind to the striped sweater that he missed so bad it made his head hurt.

Everything about the place was wrong; the walls were too empty, the hardwood floors too cold, the bathroom too white. Jongdae decorated it all with Sehun in mind, hoping to help him move on. He’d be less haunted in a new place, he argued. He could start anew. The move, however, made Sehun feel more haunted than ever.

Sometimes he’d hear his voice at night, when nothing but distant sirens could be heard through the window. He’d whisper as Sehun lay in the dark, halfway between sleep and reality, singing the younger softly to sleep. Sehun could _almost_ feel the warm body curling against him, an arm wrapping around his stomach and soft lips on his shoulder blade. Sehun would lay still, numb, tears falling down his cheeks. “I miss you,” Sehun would choke in the dark, only to be returned with _I’m right here, baby. I’m not going anywhere._

Sleep was the enemy. When he slept, he dreamt, and when he dreamt, the nightmares came. He saw red everywhere he looked. At first there was no sign of the brunet, but cries from inside sent Sehun running towards the flames. He ran as fast as he could, tears streaming down his face, but never could seem to get any closer to the doors before him. They stood just barely within reach, but every time his fingers would brush against the handle he'd be flung back out of reach. The cries grew louder, ringing in Sehun’s ears until he woke in a cold sweat with tears streaming down his face.

Sometimes _he_ was the one inside. Flames engulfed him, drying his mouth and burning his throat. He’d find himself frozen, unable to escape, crying as his lover watched him from the street with a twisted smile. He made no move to help, watching quietly instead as Sehun’s skin bubbled and burned. Sehun would find himself unable to make a noise as he burned alive. When the flames finally took his vision he’d hear a voice sing softly in his ear. _“Up in my lonely room, when I’m dreaming of you. Oh, what can I do? I still need you, but I don’t want you now.”_

Other times, they burned together. As they held each other with hands clasped, their flesh melting and mixing together, the brunet would rest his head on Sehun’s shoulder and hum lightly. _“Together forever, right baby?”_

 

_Can't feel no pavement right under my feet_

 

Kris was practically the only thing keeping him alive. He’d cook, do laundry, and hold Sehun to his chest while he cried. He tried to be the best, most supportive older brother he could without being overbearing or insensitive. Sehun was thankful to him, even when he heard bits of his conversations with his boyfriend downstairs, conversations that always made him feel guilty and pathetic.

_“He’s in pain. We have to let him deal with it in whatever way he needs, and if that means being his fucking nurse, I’ll do it. He’s my brother, Jongdae! Eventually he’ll need to re-immerse himself into society, but right now if he wants to lie around and watch TV all day then I’m more than happy to let him. He didn’t lose a damn pet, he lost a husband.”_

Wednesdays he met with Mina. Kris would appear in the mornings to remind him to shower and dress, which he would do, then he’d tuck his knees to his chest and stare out the window the entire car ride over. Mina, Dr. Choi, was a kind woman. She was short, with big eyes and round cheeks. Her office didn’t seem like that of a psychiatrist’s, much warmer and always smelling like incense. He missed that smell.

She asked about the dreams. If they’d changed, how often he’d had them that week. He told her, voice soft and shaking as tears welled in his eyes. In response she nodded solemnly and jotted down a note on her paper—an action that had bothered him at first, but one that he’d grown to accept over time. Mina seemed to understand the nightmares in a way Sehun thought no one could. “It’s completely normal, I’m afraid. Our true selves are revealed in our dreams—not even our darkest secrets can hide when we sleep. In this case, though, that may be for the best. Have you remembered anything about the accident?”

Sehun shook his head. “I don’t remember anything before the hospital. They…they didn’t tell me, at first. Just put me back to sleep until Kris got there. When I try to remember anything before that, it all gets jumbled. All I can see is him, and…” Sehun took a shaky breath, his face contorting. “All I can remember is him, and then nothing.”

He clapped a hand over his mouth as he sobbed. Mina stood, walking around the table to place a box of tissues in his hand gently. “You’ll remember everything in time, Sehun. Don’t push yourself too hard for now. You have all the time in the world.”

  


“What is this song you say he’s singing? How does it go?”

Sehun sighed. “I don’t know. When I wake up, I can never remember it. I know the lyrics are sad, but he never sounds sad when he sings it. More…content.” The small body next to him curled closer into his side, drawing shapes into his thigh.

“If you had to guess, why do you think he’s singing that song specifically?” Mina asked softly.

“I wish I knew.”

It’d been three years, ten months, and three days since the accident, six months since Sehun’s full physical recovery, and five and a half months since he’d started seeing Dr. Choi.

“How about the café? How’s that going?”

Sehun nodded. “Kris has been helping me adjust. I’m pretty useless, but he still puts up with me.” He chuckled bitterly. “The other day he tried to teach me how to use his fancy ass coffee maker and I nearly broke it. I don’t know how to use half the shit around, anymore.” He sensed the grin against his shoulder and shivered, but smiled lightly nonetheless.

“You were in a coma for just over three years, Sehun. It takes time to properly adjust.”

He shrugged. “Ever since I started working in the café, all I do is make messes. He’d have a much easier time without me.”

Mina looked up at him and frowned. “Don’t you think working has helped you socially? Ever since you started you’ve become much more vibrant.”

The first day in the café under his brother’s apartment was burned in Sehun’s memory. He’d dropped a pot full of water all over the floor in surprise and spent the rest of the day in his room hoping he wasn’t crazy. “I…guess that’s true, in a way.”

The room was silent for a moment as Mina let him contemplate. After a minute or so, Sehun licked his lips and spoke softly. “Doctor Choi, do you believe in ghosts?”

She looked at him skeptically for a moment, deciding how to respond. “I assume this is in regards to your late husband?” Sehun felt his neck turn red as he nodded lightly. The psychiatrist sighed and looked at him solemnly. There was worry in her eyes. “He’s gone, Sehun. Chasing his ghost will only hurt your recovery.”

Sehun nodded, but as Mina stood from her chair and the man at his side smiled warmly, all he could think was, _what if the ghost is chasing me?_

 

_When I’m down and my hands are tied,_

 

He missed kisses the most. He missed waking each morning with soft lips on his cheek, then his mouth, and so on. As Sehun lay in bed, staring at the impossible face next to his, he sighed, wishing he could kiss them again. “Why are you here?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper.

His smile was warm, his eyes bright. _“I’m never gonna leave you, baby. We promised, remember? Together forever.”_

“’If we burn, we burn together,’” Sehun recited. He furrowed his brow at the phrase the moment he said it, unsure where he’d heard it or why he’d thought to say it, but the smile he received in return made his heart race.

 _“‘Oh, what can I do?’”_ he sang softly as he cupped Sehun’s face, eyes warm. _“‘I still need you…’”_

Sehun closed his eyes, covering the hand with his own. It felt so impossibly real, so warm and soft against his cheek. He felt lips graze across his neck, making him whimper. He was certainly going crazy for sure now, as if seeing things wasn’t enough he was feeling them as well. The hand on his cheek ran down his neck and over his chest, landing at his waist. Sehun resisted the urge to reach out and touch, knowing well that nothing would be there. He felt his eyes prick painfully and resisted the urge to cry as best he could. “You can’t be here,” he sobbed softly, covering his face with his palms.

There was a soft chuckle in response. _“Don’t be silly, baby. I’d never leave you.”_ He felt a soft pair of hands nudge his hands off of his face. Sehun opened his eyes expecting to see a face smiling warmly at him. Instead he froze at the sight of the whole room being engulfed in flames. His lover’s face hovered over his, his whole body charred and coated in blood. _“If we burn, we burn together.”_ He leaned down and kissed Sehun on the mouth with burnt, bloody lips.

 

Kris rubbed his eyes roughly. Bills for the café lay out before him, desperately needing sorted and paid, but he couldn’t focus. All he could think about was his conversation with Mina earlier that day when she’d called him after Sehun’s session.

_“He’s not doing well, Kris.”_

Kris felt completely useless. His bottom lip quavered as he spoke. “But why? I don’t understand how he was doing so well and now he’s just not?”

_“I’m not quite sure I understand either, but I promise I’m doing my best to find out why. He’s just closed up a lot these past few months. I can’t help him if he hides everything.”_

There was only so much Kris could do, both as a brother and a housemate, but sometimes he felt he couldn’t even do those things right. It seemed like no matter how much he fed him, Sehun only got thinner. His face was gaunt nowadays, and it was obvious he’d been losing sleep. He’d catch his younger brother mumbling to himself often, attention always somewhere else.

“Have you ever heard him when he’s in his room?” Jongdae asked him one night as they laid down for bed. “I swear he’s talking to someone in there. Do you think?...”

Kris only shook his head. “I don’t know, Jongdae. I really wish I did, but I don’t.”

 

_I cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line_

 

The graveyard was empty when they arrived, the sun shining overhead. It was spring, and the birds sang in the trees. His grave was near the back, under a large flame tree. Red petals covered the grass at Sehun’s feet. He turned to Kris.  “Could I. Um...”

The elder patted him on the shoulder. “I’ll go sit in the car.”

Sehun sat down in the grass as his brother disappeared. Next to him, his lover sighed. _“They gave me such an ugly tombstone. And what’s up with that message? ‘Devoted son.’”_ He clicked his tongue. _“My mom was responsible, I’m guessing?”_

Sehun only nodded. “I would have put something like ‘Rest in Pieces’. That suits you much better.”

He hummed happily. _“You know me so well.”_

Another petal fell before them, landing in Sehun’s outstretched hand. “This place really looks like it’s on fire.”

_“If we burn…”_

“We burn together,” Sehun finished softly.

The sat in silence for what felt like hours, hands clasped and expressions weary. A warm breeze rolled over them, and the brunet shivered. “You’re cold?”

_“I’m always cold.”_

Sehun hummed to himself with a smile. His picky husband was always bundled for warmth, never without a fuzzy pair of socks and famous for his yellow sweater. He looked at him once more, hair catching the gentle breeze. “I miss you,” he said softly, running a hand over his cheek. The brunet nuzzled into his touch and smiled softly.

_“I’m right here, baby.”_

“That’s not what I meant.”

His expression changed, looking sad and much wearier than Sehun had seen in a long time. _“I know.”_

They stood to leave two hours later, hands clasped and eyes cast downward. Behind them, the tombstone sat in the shade of the flame tree, a bouquet of red roses placed at its foot.

 

_Byun Baekhyun_

_1984-2012_

_Devoted Son_

 

_From this pain I just can’t disguise_

 

There was a scar on his arm from the accident.

It was a big hole in his forearm, from a piece of glass that had impaled itself in his skin. The skin was jagged and shiny, and Sehun found himself staring at it often. Baekhyun ran a finger over it softly.

“How are you adjusting to the medication?”

“It's fine,” Sehun lied. “I'm just tired, mostly.

Dr. Choi nodded. “You won't feel better immediately, it'll take time.”

She didn't know he'd been skipping his medicine. He couldn't bring himself to take it, not after he realized that it made Baekhyun disappear.

He'd been hiding him for more than a few months now. It had taken him a while to admit that maybe he was a little insane after all. But that dose of insanity brought him his husband, so Sehun couldn't find it in him to mind too much. Sometimes he'd get unsure looks from Jongdae, but he'd learned to be conspicuous about speaking to his husband when they weren't in private. He had to adapt, since the ghost never disappeared from Sehun’s side. Anywhere he went, Baekhyun followed, hips swinging playfully. It made Sehun feel as happy as it did heartbroken.

He'd stopped going out again--what could be more worthwhile than spending time alone with his lover? Instead, they'd lay in bed and watch their favorite movies, Baekhyun smiling softly and Sehun ignoring the pit in his stomach. Then, at night, Baekhyun sang him to sleep. He'd whisper softly into the younger’s ear as he drifted away, lyrics he couldn't quite remember when he awoke the next day. Baekhyun had the voice of an angel, Sehun had decided that when they first met. He'd never imagined then how lucky he'd be to keep hearing it in the future, especially late at night as they pressed each other into the sheets.

As Sehun looked at the brunet curled against his side, he wished, more than anything, for one more of those nights.

 

He was in a bar of some sort. It was dark, with a low ceiling, and filled to the brim with blurry faces and moving bodies. The band played something that could have come from the seventies. Baekhyun looked absolutely delighted as he led him to the dance floor. _“Come on, I love this song!”_

Sehun laughed but followed his whims nonetheless, allowing himself to be pulled into the center of the mass of bodies in front of the stage. Baekhyun jumped and spun, shaking his head around to the music. He was ethereal.

He sang to the music, his voice mixing in with those around them. _“What's up with my heart when it skips a beat? Can't feel no pavement right under my feet.”_ He wrapped his arms around Sehun’s neck and serenaded him with a loving smile. “ _Up in my lonely room, when I'm dreaming of you. Oh, what can I do? I still need you, but I don't want you now.”_

The room began to grow dark, lights flickering.

_“When I'm down and my hands are tied, I cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line…”_

The people around drew in closer, pushing them together. Sehun choked, struggling to catch his breath in the suffocating crowd. Every part of him was smothered by another body. Baekhyun only continued to sing, voice carrying above the music.

_“From this pain I just can't disguise…”_

The floor began to crack, sirens blared, and fire began to engulf the crowd. They continued to dance and sing as they barbecued, Baekhyun’s voice carrying above the rest.

 

_“Its gonna hurt, but I'll have to say goodbye.”_

 

Kris woke to the sound of a crash down the hall, throwing himself out of bed and grabbing the baseball bat that rested in the closet. He found no intruder, but Sehun, sitting in the kitchen covered in blood. A shard of glass was clutched in his hand, a large gash reopened on his arm. He looked up at Kris with tears in his eyes, his whole body shaking. _“I remember.”_

 

_“Sehun, I'm serious! I'm gonna look so dumb, it won't be as bad if you're with me.”_

_“I’m just as bad at cooking as you are, Baek,” the younger laughed. “We'll burn the place to the ground by the time we leave.”_

_The brunet wouldn't take no for an answer, placing his hands on his hips. “If we burn, we burn together, asswad. Get dressed, Kyungsoo is waiting for us.”_

_In the end Sehun relented to his husband’s whims, pulling on a pair of jeans and an old shirt for their friend's first day as a cooking instructor._

_“You didn't have to sign up for the class to show your support,” Sehun commented passively as he climbed into the passenger seat. In the back of his mind, something tugged at him that he should be driving. He pushed it down. “I wouldn't be surprised to see you burn water, Baek.”_

_The smaller scowled. “You can't burn water, Sehun, don't be stupid.”_

_Sehun could think of better anniversary plans, but his husband of now two years was nothing if not willful. He smiled as he watched him from the passenger seat. Baekhyun frowned as he fumbled with his belt buckle, cursing at the infernal contraption. He caught the younger’s gaze on him and narrowed his eyes. “What?”_

_He could only shake his head and grin. “I just love you.”_

_Baekhyun’s expression softened, a light blush on his cheeks. “That's really gay, Sehun. Haven't you heard that's wrong? You should talk to a professional.”_

_The younger hummed happily, taking his lover’s free hand and wrapping it in his own. He watched their fingers entwine and kissed the back of Baekhyun’s palm._

_They navigated the roads in relative silence, the radio the only noise in the small car. The song changed, making Baek jump in his seat excitedly. “I haven't heard this in forever!” He shot Sehun a giddy smile as he turned up the volume. “I used to listen to this all the time in high school.”_

_He sang along animatedly, throwing Sehun exaggerated looks at every opportunity. “Up in my lonely room, when I'm dreaming of you! Oh, what can I do? I still need you,...”_

_Sehun saw the truck before Baekhyun. It came speeding down the road, paying no heed to the stoplights in it's path. Sehun barely had time to call out his lover's name before the driver's side was crushed._

_Everything went black._

 

The hospital corridor was quite as Kris stood with the doctor. On the other side of the door, Sehun slept soundly with the help of whatever medication they had him on. “He lost a substantial amount of blood, but what we're more concerned about is his mental state. You say he's been on this medication?”

Kris nodded. His eyes were sore and his head felt as though it may split in half at any moment. “It was prescribed to him by Dr. Choi, yes.”

“I’m afraid we found no traces of it in his system. Have you been monitoring his consumption?”

Kris’s face fell. “I-. Not as well as I could have…”

The doctor nodded solemnly. “It says here that he'd previously been off any kind of medication since his early childhood, does that sound right?”

The brother nodded again, his face in his hands. “He was on medication for, er, minor schizophrenia when he was...seven? Yeah, seven I think. It was because of his mom, she was using meds as an alternative to proper parenting. Dad stopped it when he got full custody.” His lips quavered. “We always assumed it was bullshit. I didn't know he...didn't think he was actually…”

“Your brother isn't crazy, Mr. Wu. He's just confused. His case of is relatively minor in comparison to that of other patients I've seen. According to Dr. Choi, this was all probably triggered by the death of Mr. Oh’s late husband.”

“Sometimes…” Kris cleared his throat, which burned as he fought away tears. “Sometimes I'd heard him mumble to himself, or I'd hear him talking late at night. He was talking to _him_ , wasn't he?”

The doctor pursed his lips. “That is safe to assume.”

 

They sat in silence. Mina waited patiently, her hands resting in her lap. He'd refused talk to anyone else about what happened. After a few moments, Sehun opened his mouth to speak, but found his throat too dry. Mina handed him the cup of water on the bedside table, which he took a sip of gratefully. “It was the song.”

Her eyebrows raised. “You remembered it?”

Sehun nodded. “It was playing on the radio when...when we were hit. He was singing along.” He covered his mouth as he sobbed noiselessly, tears spilling down his cheeks. “I watched him die. Before I hit my head, I saw him get crushed. There was so much blood.”

His voice was strained and wet, snot dripping from his nose. Mina bit her lip and handed him a box of tissues, mentally scolding herself not to get personally involved. “Why did you cut your arm, Sehun?” she asked, doing her best to keep her voice steady.

He clenched his eyes shut, shaking his head. “I woke up with the song in my head, and then I remembered everything. Ba-” Sehun choked on his name with a sob. “Baekhyun was gone, he’s never disappeared like that, and I kept looking at the scar on my arm and I thought that maybe if he’d come back if I-” He broke off into uncontrolled sobbing. “I-it should have b-been me. If I'd been driving, this n-never would have happened.”

Mina swallowed hard, hands clasped together tightly in her lap. “Your height was the only thing that saved you during the accident, Sehun. You know that.”

Sehun didn't respond. He broke back off into wrecked sobbing, and a nurse came in swiftly to usher Mina out. “He needs to rest, we can't have him getting any more upset.”

 

He needed to hide.

Sirens wailed in the distance, ringing in Sehun’s ears. He ignored them, pulling his jacket tightly around him and picking up his pace.

Baekhyun was gone. He disappeared with whatever the hospital had given him. Sehun felt alone, heartbreakingly so. He weighed his options as he moved swiftly down the sidewalk, weaving through the busy crowd like a leaf in the wind. There weren't many places for him to find sanctuary, not like this. He bit back the tears forming in his eyes.

He’d left the hospital--ripped out his i.v., found the first pair of street clothes that looked like they might fit, and snuck out while his sitter was asleep. His next dose of meds had been in thirty minutes and he’d decided that he’d rather be burned alive than take them again. That was almost an hour ago. Baekhyun should be back by now, but where was he?

Sehun found sanctuary in a small park, one full of trees to climb up and hide in until he formed a plan. He scrambled up one clumsily, scratching his arm and probably bruising his knee. He barely noticed. He sat high in the tree, out of view, for what felt like hours. It wasn't until he opened his eyes drowsily to early morning sun and birds chirping that he realized he’d fallen asleep. His cheeks were wet from when he’d cried during his sleep. He wasn't surprised. He wiped them dry with a sniffle.

Baekhyun was still gone. Sehun pursed his lips, utterly distressed. “Baekhyun?” he choked out with a sob. “Baby where are you?” No one answered. Hot tears spilled down Sehun’s cheeks, his eyes burning. “You promised you wouldn't leave me.” He let his tears fall until they ran dry.

An hour later he clambered out of the tree and set off walking once more. He needed to find something. He wasn't sure what it was, but he knew he’d know it when he found it. When he did, his heart sank. He knew what he was going to do.

Sehun had learned how to hotwire a car from his multi-talented husband. As the engine sputtered to life he smiled at the bittersweet notion that Baekhyun would be proud of him, then he pushed his thoughts back and drove.

 _“What are you doing?”_ Baekhyun’s disembodied voice drifted softly to Sehun's ears. It made Sehun’s chest ache, but he ignored it and kept his focus on getting to his destination.

“I'm fixing things.”

_“This is how you're going to solve your problems?”_

Sehun stopped for gas, peeling out of the parking lot without paying before anyone could stop him and speeding away. He ignored the voice--Baekhyun’s voice--talking in his head and consuming his thoughts. Every one of his favorite memories of them together flashed through his mind like a movie reel, over and over until Sehun finally found an empty parking lot to stop in. He got out and pulled off his jacket. He ripped it easily in half, the cheap fabric giving without issue. He fed a long strip into the gas tank slowly, letting it soak up enough gasoline to drip, then pulled it out and rung it through the fabric until every inch was wet. Then, he put it back so the end was in the tank, and he pulled out a lighter he’d found in the car.

_“Why?”_

A sort of clarity washed over Sehun as he flicked the lighter to life and lowered it to the end of the makeshift wick. “Because I can't be with you. But I can't be without you either.” As he lowered himself into the driver's seat once more he turned to Baekhyun, who now sat in the passenger side. “Even if there's nothing for me on the other side, it's better than this.”

Baekhyun sighed, face soft and elegant in the morning light. He reached out and pet Sehun’s cheek with a sad smile. _“Oh but hunnie, don't you know? I'm not real. I'm just in your head.”_

Sehun smiled sadly. “You've always been real to me.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was really hard for me to write, as I'm sure you can imagine. I shed a lot of tears for this fic. That being said, I'm really glad to share it with you, the reader, and I hope you enjoyed (or at least appreciate?) it. Look foreward to less depressing stuff and probably some even more depressing stuff in the future.
> 
> The song is Dreaming of You by The Coral. Go check it out, it's one of my favorites and not as depressing as I made it sound in this fic!
> 
> Also you can follow me on twitter @jibootee ❤


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